The Man Who Ate the Banana of Reason

On my home planet, we had a museum dedicated to powerful objects from our distant past. These were magical items left over from a time in our history where men behaved as if they were gods. After a long ordeal, these “god-people” were all captured. Their powers were extracted from them, put in glass cases, and kept under lock and key in our Museum of Powers of Perfection. There was the Apple of Wisdom, the Pear of Happiness, the Pineapple of Physical Strength, the Tangerine of Beauty and Sexuality, and the Banana of Reason.

Everything on our planet was peaceful for millennia until the Banana of Reason was stolen from its case. The thief was none other than our town constable Aloysius Dingleberry. Aloysius Dingleberry was never taken seriously. He always thought he had the best ideas to solve all of our problems. But nobody listened to him, and no one took his advice. He wanted so much for his words to be respected and his advice to be taken. And one day out of desperation, he broke into the museum, smashed the glass case, and ate the Banana of Reason.

All Aloysius wanted was for people to listen to him, and now that he was the most reasonable man in the universe, people surely would like his ideas better. And oh, he did have great ideas! He was so wise and so thoughtful. He knew the proper solution to everything that plagued his fellow townsfolk. But every time he told somebody one of his ideas, people thought he was just being judgmental; and really, no one likes being told what to do. And no one likes a “know it all” either.

A few days after eating the Banana of Reason, Aloysius started growing points out of the sides of his neck. They kept growing until he had large banana halves, pointing upward, sticking out of both sides of his neck. From a distance, it looked like he swallowed a giant banana, and it got stuck in his neck. This made things considerably worse for Aloysius. People could see him coming from a distance away, and they avoided him. The banana kept growing. Aloysius’ skin started to yellow and he acquired a faint banana oder. After a few months the banana started getting brown spots and began to smell overripe. It got so large and so burdensome to carry around, Aloysius rarely left his house.

One day, Aloysius ventured out to get groceries, and up from behind came a 20 foot tall fruit spider. Aloysius knew if the spider caught him, it would be the end of him. He ran as fast as he could, but with the giant banana attached to his neck, his legs could only carry him so far. The giant fruit spider quickly caught up to Aloysius Dingleberry and ate him.

The spider’s name was Matilda Webster. Aside from eating our town constable, Matilda was a very nice spider. And after she ate Aloysius, and his attached banana, she became the planet’s paragon of reason. But also like poor Aloysius, Matilda started growing giant banana appendages. Matilda's banana came half out of the front of her forehead, and half out of the middle of her back. Both ends pointed upward toward the sky. She also became banana scented. You would think that this would make Matilda a target for other fruit spiders, but the spiders really appreciated Mathilda’s wisdom and they made her their leader. A few weeks later she gave birth to thousands of baby yellow banana scented fruit spiders. Each of the spiders was just as reasonable as their mother. But these spiders weren’t fruit eaters. They were part fruit after all. These spiders were meat eaters.

When these thousands of wise spiders grew to 20 feet tall like their mother, they told everybody what to do, and how to act, and made all sorts of rules for everybody on the planet to follow. And if you didn't listen to them, they ate you. Well, as you can guess, life on our planet became intolerable. So my family and I decided to get in our flying saucer and seek a new home.

We flew all around the galaxy. We looked specifically for a planet where there were no masters of reason, and no one told people what to do. Well, we couldn't find one. But we found this great place. The natives call it Earth. There are lots of very reasonable people here. They are not perfect, but still very reasonable. And there are also people who tell everybody what to do. Thankfully for us, these two groups of people are not the same. I think we’ll like it here.

The end.