The Great Banana Heist
Oct 06, 2023
The Great Banana Heist
Some time ago, on a planet on the far side of our galaxy, lived a great King named Veisfortherds Pyahrkubed. He lived in a big comfy house with his faithful dog Lipiddarius. Things were very peaceful on this planet, and because of that, the king didn't have very many duties. In fact, he didn't really have to do much at all. King Veisfortherds Pyahrkubed sat around all day with his dog and ate ice cream.
It may seen strange that his dog ate ice cream too, but the king very cautious man. Even though there hadn't been much political turmoil on this planet in many centuries, he was still worried about being poisoned by somebody who would want to overthrow him. So, in the same way the ancient emperors had cup bearers, Lipiddarius was the King's official ice cream taster taster.
As you can imagine, the king and his pup got quite heavy eating a diet of only ice cream. They became extremely out of shape. They got so large that they couldn't even fit out the front door. They couldn't even go to the grocery store to get their own ice cream. Each week the Ice Cream Calvary brought a large shipment of assorted flavors of ice cream to the king’s residence. The king and his dog only had to walk from the couch through the double doors into the kitchen to get there next helping of ice cream.
Everything always seem to work just like clockwork, until one day the king opened a pint of banana ice cream. He had Lipiddarius taste it first. The dog loved it. King Veisfortherds took a bite himself. He thought it was very tasty, but something was missing. He thought about it for a moment, took another taste, contemplated some more, took another taste, and then it hit him. While the ice cream was delicious, he could not taste the bananas. He scooped out a giant clump of ice cream, and looked in the container.
“I didn't see any bananas. Here eat this Lipiddarius.” said the King”
“Mmmf Hmmmm Uhhhmmm” Lipa Darius slurped the giant scoop down his throat in one big sloppy gobble.
The king took another big scoop, stared at it intently, looked at the gorge left in the ice cream, and said “I think there's a problem here.”
He dropped the spoon and the ice cream scoop back into the container, and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He tapped a couple buttons on the phone and said, “Hello, this is the king, please alert The Banana Police. There has been a theft and I need them at my residence right away!”
Ten minutes later there was a knock on the door. Lipiddarius got off the couch and opened the door.
“Right this way gentleman,” said the dog.
“Hello your majesty,” and both men bowed.
“Good day gentlemen.”
“And good day to you King. I am Captain Devereaux, and this is Lieutenant Grassley. We received your urgent call.”
“Yes, and thank you for coming so soon. This is an urgent matter. Me and my faithful friend Lipiddarius were enjoying a pint of banana ice cream, when we realized there were no bananas in it. Someone must've stolen the bananas out of it.”
The lieutenant inspected the half eaten pint and handed over to Captain Devereaux. Captain Devereaux looked at it took a sniff. He stuck his finger in it and gave it a taste.
“You are correct. There are no bananas in this banana ice cream.” The captain continued, “Was the container sealed when you received it? And was that seal tampered with?”
“Sealed completely.” Said the king, “That's one thing that I and Lipiddarius are always very careful of.”
“Lieutenant Grassley, grab me a bowl from the kitchen.” Ordered the captain.
The lieutenant walked out of the room and came back with a large glass bowl. Captain Devereax scooped the remaining contents of the ice cream into the bowl. He then chopped it up with a spoon and stuck his hand into it, smashing the ice cream flat and pushing it around the bowl.
“Lieutenant Grassley, do you see any bananas in this ice cream.”
“No I don’t.” Lieutenant Grassley takes the bowl for himself and pushes the ice cream around some more. Both men taste the ice cream by licking their fingers.
“Mmm Good.” Slurped the Lieutenant.
“It is. No bananas but good.”
Then both men then stuck their hands into the bowl and scoop out as much ice cream as they could and shoved it in their mouths.
“I’ll finish this one Lieutenant.” Captain Devereaux picked up the bowl and licked it clean.
“King Pyahrkubed,” said Captain Devereux, “I believe there has been a theft here. We will have to investigate. Will need to take your remaining ice cream with us.”
“Oh no! What will we until the investigation is over?”
“I’ll have Lieutenant Grassley stop back later in the day with enough food for you to get through the week. If we're not done our investigation by the end of the week, I'll make sure the lieutenant keeps your kitchen stocked with delicious food.”
Captain Devereaux and Lieutenant Grassley then went into the kitchen packed up all the extra ice cream and went out the door.
Later that day Lieutenant Grassley returned with a shipment of groceries. He brought with him five quarts of low-fat cottage cheese, four large bags of organic spring lettuce mix, three pounds of low fat sliced gourmet turkey, five loaves a thinly sliced Artisanal wheat bread, two large jars of pickled okra, and a box of fresh vegetables, that included cucumbers, carrots, daikon radishes, jicama, endive lettuce, and brussel sprouts.
The king inspected the groceries and said, “These look good?”
“Yes your majesty, these are delicious.” Said Lieutenant Grassley. “These are the type of groceries I buy for my family.
“Oh… Great!” said the king. “I can't wait to try them.”
“Well you won't have to wait long.” said the lieutenant. “I've sent for somebody from the Bureau of Deliciousness to come over and prepare meals for you. You can expect to have dinner served for you on time this evening, as well as every other meal you eat. We will be in touch with the progress of our investigation soon.”
“Thank you Lieutenant.” said the king.
“You're most welcome, your majesty.”
And Lieutenant Grassley went on his way.
About a week later the king had not heard anything from The Banana Police, so he put in a phone call to Captain Devereaux.
“Captain Devereaux, have you caught up with those banana thieves yet?”
“I am so sorry King. We've worked tirelessly on this investigation, but we're going to need a little bit more time. By the way, how are those groceries that lieutenant Grassley brought you?”
“They were delicious Captain, but we're almost out.”
“Well, then I'll have another shipment sent to you today. I promise we will be in touch as soon as our investigation is complete.”
“Thank you, Captain. I look forward to hearing from you soon.”
“You're welcome, your majesty.”
That evening an order arrived directly from the grocery store. King Veisfortherds Pyahrkubed and his dog Lipiddarius received six boxes of whole oats cereal, freshly prepared baked falafel patties, quinoa and açai berry berry salad, stone ground wheat pita bread, two bags of organic honey crisp apples, 3 pounds a freshly picked bing cherries, and another assorted box vegetables of vegetables. This box included more carrots, onions, zucchini, celery, red bell peppers, and broccolini. And again, the week’s groceries made delicious meals.
At the end of the week, the king made another phone call to Captain Devereaux.
“I’m so sorry your majesty, we've been working so hard we just haven't gotten to the bottom of it yet. Are you still enjoying those groceries?”
“Great, your majesty. You'll get another shipment today and I'm sure you'll hear from us with an answer soon.”
The king and his dog once again received a delicious shipment of groceries and once again the banana thief was not caught. The investigation remained open. Weeks turn in the months and still no culprit was found. The king and Lipiddarius enjoyed the food so much that they forgot all about the banana investigation and their missing ice cream.
Then one day about a year after the investigation started, the king received a call.
“Your majesty, it's Captain Devereaux.
“Hello Captain, are you calling with news on the investigation?”
“Yes your majesty, we apprehended the assailant. He was tried, sentenced, and jettisoned into space this morning. You'll never have to worry about him again.”
“Oh thank goodness, your team at The Banana Police has done a fantastic job. I'll call into the Ice Cream Justice Department and make sure you all receive bonuses.”
“Thank you your majesty that's most appreciated.”
“So I can get ice cream now? asked the king.
“You certainly may,” replied Captain Devereaux, “but unfortunately right now the Ice Cream Cavalry is on sabbatical until their wagons have been fully refurnished and restored. We only want the best for them. I hope you understand your majesty.
“I understand. Thank you and have a good day.”
King Veisfortherds Pyahrkubed hung up the phone and turned to his faithful friend and said “Well, it's just us two now. I guess we should go get some food at the store. They have stores for groceries, don't they?”
“Oh they definitely do.” said Lipiddarius. In fact, there's one right next-door to us.”
“Right next-door to us?!?” exclaimed the King. “On the Kings Manor?”
“A lot of things have changed since we've been inside eating ice cream. Most of the estate has been sold and put to good public use. Great structures have been built, like food stores, just like the one right next-door.”
“Then we should get going right now.” the king said. “I want to see this with my own eyes. Last time I checked we weren't able to fit through the doors. We will need to call somebody from the Horizontal Office and see if they can make an opening, and also cart us over to the grocery store.”
“I don't think that'll be necessary anymore.”
“What do you mean, Lipoiddarius?” Asked the king.
“Just look at us.” replied the dog.
The king looked down. He looked at the dog. He stepped in front of a mirror and looked back at himself again. They were half the size that they were before the Great Banana Heist began.
The king was in shock.
“This is amazing, Lipiddarius! Look, we're both thinner than the doorway.”
“I know your majesty. This trip to the grocery store is going to be awesome!”
So the two of them walked out the front door. What used to be a hundred acre estate was now a small front lawn with a paved walkway leading top to their door. At the end of the walkway was a sidewalk and on the other side of the sidewalk was a busy thorough fare. Across the thorough fare was series of high-rises, at the edge of a busy metropolis. Looking to the left the king saw a shopping mall, and to the right was a large gross grocery store with a big neon sign on top that read Wholesome Organic Groceries.
“That must be the grocery store!” the king said as he pointed towards the big neon sign.
“It sure is.” said Lipiddarius.
“Let's go over there in get us some of that ice cream we've been waiting for!” Replied the king.
The two of them walked into the grocery store. They headed towards towards the ice cream aisle. But a funny thing happened on the way to the freezer section. They had to pass by the produce first. They saw cucumbers, carrots, daikon radishes, jicama, endive lettuce, and brussel sprouts.
“Oh, these were good!” The King shouted, and Lipiddarius put each into their shopping cart.
They walked to the next aisle and saw low fat sliced gourmet turkey, loaves a thinly sliced Artisanal wheat bread, jars of pickled okra. The King’s eyes widened and Lipiddarius took that as a sign and put them in the cart as well. In the next two aisles, whole oats cereal, freshly prepared baked falafel patties, quinoa and açai berry berry salad, stone ground wheat pita bread, bags of organic honey crisp apples, and freshly picked bing cherries also made it into their cart.
As they rounded the final corner and arrived at the ice cream aisle the king and his dog both looked into their cart. It was full.
“Do you know something Lipiddarius. said King Veisfortherds, “I’m not so sure if I'm hungry for ice cream tonight. I think we have enough.”
“I think so too. What we have in the cart will make us some wonderful meals this week.” Replied Lipiddarius. And the two of them paid for their groceries went home.
From that day on, King Veisfortherds Pyahrkubed and his faithful dog Lipiddarius shopped once a week for groceries and only brought home a pint of ice cream on special occasions. And they lived happily ever after.