My Mother is a Swamp Monster from Outer Space by Juan Carlos Cornelius Pumpernickel
Nov 29, 2022
Millennia ago in a far away galaxy, there was a large swamp monster named Alexandra Methuselah Ambrosia. She was big, gelatinous, and translucent. She was also the smartest and most advanced creature in the universe. The sky on her planet was filled with much smaller oblong male creatures. One day one of these creatures named Maximilian Banana O’Custard spotted Alexandra, and was immediately enamored. The romance was short, only about 12 seconds, and Maximilian flew right into Alexandra. When he entered her gelatinous body he immediately dissolved. Millions of tiny seeds within him were fertilized, and then made their way to Alexandra's skin where they started growing like small boils. Each of these small boils grew until they fell off.
The home planet was a very windy place and the boils were too small to attach themselves to the surface like large Alexandra. They got caught up in the interplanetary winds. Some of them, floated off into the universe.
Wherever they landed, they grew and took the shape of the most advanced creature on that planet. 51 years ago two of those boils landed on planet earth. They were me and my identical twin brother.
We landed in the backyard of the nicest couple who raised us as their own. They gave me my earth name, Juan Carlos Cornelius Pumpernickel. And they named my brother Juan Carlos Cornelius Pumpernickel as well. Our mothers name was Julia Persephone Pumpernickel. She was beautiful in every way inside and out, and was the perfect doting mother. Our father was Bob Pumpernickel. He was a simple man with a rye sense of humor.
We had a very normal childhood, and both me and my brother grew up to be fairly normal adults. My brother is like me in many ways, but we have our obvious differences. He's not quite as cute as me. He's also a little shorter than I am. And a bit more gray hair, a little heavier, and a few extra wrinkles. I'm also nicer than he is. If you've ever been out and about in our hometown and run into me, you may have thought to yourself, “That Juan Carlos Cornelius Pumpernickel, he didn't seem like himself today. He's usually not that grumpy, or rude, or impatient, etc." If you’ve had this experience, then you didn't run into me. You ran into my twin brother, Juan Carlos Cornelius Pumpernickel.
My twin brother and I are also very competitive. Every morning we get up at exactly the same time, and we enter our respective bathrooms at exactly the same time. These two bathrooms are right next to each other, and they're connected by a window right above the bathroom sink. And every morning we have a race to see who can brush their teeth the fastest. And every morning since as far back as I can remember, the result of the race has been a tie. Every damn morning! He looks so smug every time he finishes brushing his teeth, like he made it a tie on purpose. One day I'll beat him. Or maybe he'll accidentally walk into the wrong bathroom, and I'll kick his pudgy wrinkled naked butt.