Some of you may know that I am one of the galaxy’s most prominent caretakers of mythical creatures. One of my fabulous creatures is a chupacabra named Henrietta. Henrietta lives in my yard under my back porch.

It’s Henrietta’s job to ward off the neighborhood cats, and make sure they don’t use my flowerbeds as their personal litter boxes. Henrietta has always been a faithful beast. She’s kind, hard-working, and has a pretty good sense of humor. She doesn’t mind living under the porch. It’s actually the best place for her. She likes dark moist places with lots of mold. Besides, the indoors isn’t really an ideal environment for chupacabras. She sheds terribly, she marks her territory, and her claws scratch up our floors. But around this time every year, Henrietta gets really down. Lots of us get depressed this time of year, including Chupacabras.

This year was particularly tough on Henrietta. She’s been eating a lot of ice cream and Cheeto’s, and she’s put on a little weight. This has made her quite self-conscious. She’s also been lonely. The situation became considerably worse after she ate the family of possums that lived behind the tool shed.

So once again, we’ve invited Henrietta inside the house to celebrate Hanukkah with us. The first thing we did was give her a nice bath. She needed it. We gave her a a beautiful Hanukkah dress to wear. We clipped her toenails, doused her with perfume, and put ribbons in her hair. She looks like a princess and she knows it. Tonight we’re making her favorite Hanukkah dish. Low carb, low, calorie, vegan cauliflower latkes. Here is the recipe we use:

Top Secret Low-Carb, Low-Cal, Vegan Cauliflower Latkes Recipe
1. Parboil 3-4 small to medium sized red potatoes. Chill. Maybe have a glass of wine and listen to some music.
2. Grate half the potatoes like you would for hash browns. Purée 1/4 of the potatoes and finely dice the other 1/4.
3. Finely dice 1 small or 1/2 medium sized onion.
4. Combine potatoes and onion with 2-3 eggs, 1/2 cup quick cooking oats, 1T Old Bay.
5. Heat large skillet with just enough oil to cover the bottom when hot.
6. Scoop heaping tablespoons of potatoes into hot skillet and press down potatoes with spoon so they are sorta flat like mini pancakes.
7. Cook 6-7 minutes per side over medium to medium light heat until golden brown.
8. Serve with sour cream, or apple sauce, or just plain.

If you’re saying to yourself that this recipe isn’t low carb, low calorie, or vegan, and has no cauliflower whatsoever, you are correct. There is no such food. But Henrietta is real, and if you see her, don’t say anything about the recipe. She’s really enjoying the holiday this year and we wouldn’t want to spoil it for her.

Happy Holidays,

Dan